Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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