How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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