Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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