When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
