She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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