new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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