Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
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When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
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As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?