Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day