in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
