i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
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The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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