I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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