Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
