My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
