My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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