This is not my ceiling
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
