oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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