i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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