I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
