sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
