Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
