Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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