Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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