My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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