if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
