Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
