just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
