bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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