Plan B is the new Plan A
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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