I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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