I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
she woke up with a sticky ear
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
