i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
