Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
