Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
