I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
