Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
