Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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