Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
