How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
