I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
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It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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