I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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