and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
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I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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