I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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