Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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