I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Come share oat with me in your robe
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
