My sheets look like a crime scene.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
