The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME