Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.