i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Congratulations! We have a period
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