I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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