Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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