90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
