I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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