I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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