I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
