My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
