By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
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Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
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I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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