Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
