Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
