Your dad touched me again.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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