I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
