what day is it and did you see me today?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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