I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
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I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
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One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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