im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
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My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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