So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
