I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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