Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
