I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize